EDITION 5: Consciously Breaking Up
My First Breakup
My first notable relationship began at 16 and ended at 18. I was a unsteady teen. Unaware of boundaries, with a keen tendency to throw myself into oblivion. When I gave my heart to my first love I did so sweetly and naively. I had an untarnished understanding of what one could do to your raw beating heart. So I laid it out to him on a platter, and gave him everything that I was. My mum once told me as I lay sobbing next to her in her bed ‘when a relationship hurts more than there is happiness, it’s time to leave’. But couldn’t leave. So I continued to give everything I was made up of to this ‘love’, simultaneously losing my mind.
On one particular evening, I was sat on my bed alone. My room was decorated lilac and I remember the exact wall I was staring at when something miraculous occured. Out of nowhere a switch flicked within me. There was nothing that anyone did. Nothing that anyone said, or advised. I was simply sat on my bed that night, my heart wrenching, my face swollen from tears, and from deep within me I heard myself say ominously “I will never cry like this again’. I went into shutdown. To this day I haven’t spoken again to the person I once loved with all my heart. I never looked back. That switch I experienced turned off my ability to care that deeply anymore.
I believe our first experiences of relationship sets us up for the way we navigate any following on from that. For me, it took a while to realise that achy breaky love, wasn’t actually love. I misunderstood. I misinterpreted. My subconscious had associated the feeling of anguish with love. I built solid walls around my heart for any further interactions. It felt safer to become the one in a relationship who unavailable, distant and cold. I hadn’t allowed myself to grieve and process at 18, and so for many years, I found it impossible to open up entirely to another being.
The process we encounter when moving out of a relationship, is just as important as every other part of the relationship. In fact, breaking up is perhaps the most profoundly life changing of times when we allow the grief to move us.
Do you chose to close down?
Or do you choose feel and to grieve instead?
Can you learn, forgive, and heal from the very depths of you?
It’s in riding the waves of loss that we can put ourself back together and set our heart free.
More on this via the ‘Conversations with Pussy’ podcast here.
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