EDITION 6: Healthy Boundaries For Epic Relationships & Sex
That Time a Hyena Pissed All Over My Boundaries
If you’ve ever been to Bali, you’ll know very well that there are ‘bali dogs’. I’ve always wanted my own dog, so you can imagine my absolute delight when I stroll on into my new place and there’s not just one, but three. Since they’re Bali dogs, they tend to simply wander around wildly. They check in with you. They check out. Sometimes they wander off for days. Others they are sat on your porch keeping guard from dusk til’ dawn. One dog in particular took a special liking to me. I named him Hyena. He’s an absolute doppelgänger of Ed from The Lion King.
So whilst Hyena was a little bit gross in smell, appearance, and character, I would tentatively smile at him when I’d find him outside my door. I’d enjoy it as he walked me back and forth from my moped. In fact, I thought he was being rather chivalrous. One day I had a bit of extra food knocking about. Instead of throwing it, I decided to give good ol’ Hyena a nibble. He liked that. So much so I began to find Hyena lurking around my porch much more often than usual. Instead of minding his boundaries, he began to march inside my house and sniff around my kitchen without being invited. Whilst Hyena was alright as a every so often acquaintance, he was certainly not someone I wanted as an ‘inside house friend’. In response to his pushing, I’d tell him to get out, which he would after some very direct and clear pushing.
However Hyena didn’t get the message of my lack of enthusiasm in a deeper friendship. One dark night in the centre of the Ubudian jungle, I was having a shower and became aware that someone was aggressively slamming my door. So much so that it sounded like the glass might break. I had a minor panic, pulled myself together, and found that there was he was. The man himself, Hyena, slamming himself up against my door. In that moment I decided that under no circumstances would I be entertaining his pushiness. I proceeded to totally ignore him.
One fine day, the same old thing was occurring. Hyena walked me to my moped as I pretended he wasn’t there. The whole charade was way less chivalrous these days. As I jumped onto my bike, I noticed that Hyena was really rather close. And there I was, minding my own business, when he cocked his wiry leg, and began to piss all over me and my bike. That’s right Hyena’s urine spurted over to me, drenching my foot. After consistently telling him no, Hyena decided to mark his territory and make my bike, me, and also my poor Doc Marten sandals his property.
Never have I been so dismayed. Never have I been so dumbfounded. Never have I wanted to have a creature so far away from me in my life.
Hyena, I realised, was schooling me on boundaries. Especially bringing some good old fashioned self awareness to light on how I can become an aggravated, avoidant mega bitch with anyone who should accidentally cross them.
Having firm, but flexible boundaries allow us to stay firmly rooted in our inner knowing, yet also open to explore and play within our relationships, sexuality, and every other aspect of our life in between. When I was young my boundaries were sloppy. I was so unable to use my ‘no’ that my body has to take matters into its own hands, and initiated a strong ‘NO’ (vulvodynia) instead . My response to this was to become a bit (very) agro and bolshy with my ‘no’. So much so that I was actually rigid AF. It’s a dance to find the sweet spot in between, and this can change depending on my state of mind, mood, hormonal cycle, and energy levels.
In this weeks Conversation with Pussy podcast episode, I will be sharing on creating Healthy Boundaries For Epic Relationships & Sex.